Time passes.

I'm still here.   I'm still making sense of my heart surgery and now I'm facing a total hip replacement.   I've talked to some people about my experiences flatlining but have basically kept it as a skeleton in my closet to avoid having my ego think I am too special.   Get this.   We all cast off our bodies at some point and all have some kind of experience when we do that.   There is nothing special about it.  

Now if I'd come back with some kind of super power...

So the inflammation in my body after heart surgery seemed to turn on arthritis in my hip and basically ate away all my cartilage there. Adjusting to the pain, I've distorted my posture and messed up my walk.

I was reluctant to accept the surgery because I believe that given enough time, my body could heal.   Time is the question.   I've elected to get my hip fixed now in order to move forward, straighten out my body, and get mobile again.  

The cool thing is that throughout the deterioration of my hip joint I've had to rethink my yoga, my body image, and who I will become.   Now I get to be a beginner again and start that process all over.   I've been given the gift of the "do over".  

Remember when you first discovered yoga and how damn good it felt?   I get to do that again.


Namaste,


Dean

The gift of not knowing

So I step on the mat and sometimes off not knowing if I'm doing the right thing.   Instead of just diving in, I have to take the time to question what is going on with my body, assessing what I did yesterday, and what is happening today.   Then having all that processed with my fluctuating mind and hopefully I come back to the breath---my guide---moving and flowing with change.  Giving thanks that I recognize I don't know what to do and asking help to step back and get out of the way so I can be taught.

I did three weeks strong with my food and then the last week grew tired of it and ate some things not on the plan.   Woke up this morning thinking and wondering where that disciplined energy goes.  I know there are people who say that we have limits to our willpower but I also know that we build habits good and bad and once it is a habit it takes no willpower.   

I know all week that I was hyper-aware of conflicting nutritional information and I seemed to be questioning what I was doing and talking about it to the people around me.   Looking back I was afraid to submit to what I know works for me.  I need to be willing to not know the complete answer and just follow the best I can.   It is okay for me to question what I'm doing but I need to let the questions fly, keep going, and let it work.  I need to remember the reasons I'm eating this way---to make it easier on my heart!

I had a gift last night.   A relative told me they were doing yoga and what they found different about it  was that they didn't think about work or problems during that hour.   They were also doing Zumba and Spin but yoga was the only class they didn't think about work.   Yoga Chitta Vitti Nirodha!

Change

My current definition of yoga is "Everything changes, get over it."    Getting over it and accepting the changes in my body, my mind, my breath, my pain, my bliss, even what I think I know about yoga is my new normal.   That is where calming the fluctuations of the mind comes in--Chitta Vritti Narodha--Yoga Sutra 1:2.

"When are you going to get better?"   Someone asked me that.   It jolted me and made me question everything I was doing that showed this person I wasn't better.   I was completely put on the defensive.  I answered that I was improving slower than I liked but I was improving.  I then tried to walk away as normally as possible--not my new normal but some approximation of what I thought  I used to walk like.

Then I realized I'm asking myself the same question all the time.   I've fallen into the trap of using  every yoga practice as a reminder that I'm not well yet.  I have to walk my talk and learn to practice without frustration and judgment.

My self-judgment keeps me locked in my pain patterns and fighting against them.   If I  stay with my body, watching and accepting it as the good friend it is, I know I have the chance to influence the direction of change toward healing.

Frozen Hip Yoga Practice

Right now my daily yoga practice comes from Lucas Rockwood's Ebook, THE YOGABODY HANDBOOK.  The book includes a 5 day program of gravity poses.   You hit the hamstrings on day 1, hips on day 2, day 3 is shoulders, day 4 is back, and day 5 is wrists, twists, and ankles.  Each day consists of about 3 asanas.   He also has a lot of nutritional advice.

To do his practice, with my frozen hip and screwed up legs, I have to pretty severely modify several of the poses. One of the keys to his system is holding each pose for 4 minutes and inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth--that I can do without modification.   I've done the sequence for 2 weeks now and am starting to feel and see some improvement.

To connect with Lucas go to http://www.yogabody.com/lucas-rockwood/.

You could probably
design your own sequence by looking up gravity poses and hanging out for 4 minutes with each one.

Namaste,


Dean

Post Heart Surgery--a year later and a frozen hip

  Over a year later after all the drama of the previous year, I am still here in this body on this earth learning a whole bunch of lessons I would rather not learn the hard way.

Last summer my right hip froze up, both thighs continuously locked up and my knees and ankles were swollen with edema.   Lots of specialists and tests--tested three times for Lupus--but no definitive diagnosis.

It was suggested that I had Frozen Hip and arthritis in my knees that seemed to have flared up.   Another doctor thought I might have FAI Syndrome but couldn't confirm it without an MRI.   I can't have an MRI because I have a pacemaker.  Another doctor suggested it was venous insufficiency which caused the edema and then things basically just got backed up.

I was prescribed a couple of drugs and physical therapy.   I also tried everything I could think of---my yoga practice to begin with, supplemented with Feldenkrais, Acupuncture, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Spiritual Healing, hydrotherapy, and I worked with a Health Coach.  The positive results were frustratingly slow and sometimes it seemed like I was going backward instead of forward. The prognosis for frozen hip whether you do anything for it or not is that it can take up to 19 months for it to resolve.

Things were complicated by my heart doing some weird stuff which meant more tests without a concrete diagnosis. I stopped teaching for a month, my son Luke took over for me, and then I came back to classes---at first with a cane. At the present I still have pretty severe limitations with what I can demonstrate.    I've gotten better at verbal cuing!

Some of what I've learned in the next post...

Aortic Valve Replacement Surgery

A lot has happened to me since I last wrote.   I'll be writing about it in pieces.   To start, I have to come clean and say that I've had a long time problem with my heart---I'm in my early 60's and was probably first diagnosed when I was 18.

It finally came to the point that my Cardiologist and the Cardiac Surgeon said the time had come and I needed to replace my aortic valve.   So on October 14th, 2014 I had open heart surgery.   It seems my heart didn't like getting carved up.  They told me I had an "angry heart" and after surgery I went into Third Degree Heart Block which ended up with me receiving a pacemaker.   Then I got a blood clot in my arm from that surgery.   To put it mildly, recovery has been way slower than I anticipated or wanted.

To say that this has impacted and changed my physical yoga practice is almost silly.   Everything is new and different.  The aortic valve surgery was open-heart and required breaking my sternum.   I'm just now, almost 3 months later, getting to the point that my sternum is considered healed enough to do some gentle poses.

So what has my yoga practice been?  Like Arjuna in the Gita, I learned concretely that the essence of Yoga is that shit happens and how you deal with it is the practice.  My practice has been meditation, awareness, a whole lot of acceptance and learning to breathe all over again.

Finding my new normal is my path and my heart is my guru.

All the heart metaphors and references in yoga have taken on new meaning as I work through the intersection of the physical and the symbolic.

The love and support I received from family and friends has been overwhelming and moved me to tears repeatedly.

More to come.

Namaste,

Dean

Eating less than you can in the evening

We all have heard the belief about weight loss that you just need to eat less and move more.  Things get complicated when you try to put that into practice.   Our approach is going to be unique to us.

People who have trained with me and been part of my Yoga and Weight Loss Group know that I'm constantly suggesting simple things that allow us to sneak up on the problem.   Therefore instead of making huge changes all at once I ask them to think about simply eating "less than you can."

For example, we know we could eat the whole pizza (or cake, loaf of bread...) but what if we took a breath (probably 3 is better) and ate less than we can.   It isn't easy but it allows us to become aware of what we are eating and what choices are in front of us.  We could choose to eat less.

Currently I'm practicing not eating after dinner.   I was recording my food for a week and noticed that a significant amount of my calories were being eaten in the evening.   Obviously I need to eat less than I can in the evening and know that when I've been in an active weight loss period, not eating after my evening meal has been one of the things that has worked for me.

Keeping it simple, I'm stopping eating after my evening meal.   I'm doing it 3 days at a time and then will work up to 3 weeks and then 3 months.   3 seems to be a magic number for my brain.  If I tell myself it is only 3 days, it is much less overwhelming.

Small change---done with awareness and acceptance.   I felt a shift in even the first 3 days.

Namaste,

Dean