I’m back

Yup, I’m back.  I thought blogging might be dead but I’m not, so blogging on.

I still have Congestive Heart Failure, HFpEF, with the complications of Hypertension, Chronic Kidney Disease, Diabetes 2, Osteoarthritis, a totally messed up shoulder, and blah, blah, blah.  I’m still alive!

I’m also still teaching yoga and do my own daily practice in the morning. (I also do cardio and lift weights.)

I’m really into Dr. Loren Fishman for yoga guidance and will talk more about him later.  If you want to jump in, he has multiple books on Amazon and numerous videos on YouTube.  He is into doing what works.

If you haven’t tried Ho’opnopono you need to explore it.  For me, it is like the Ganesha mantra for removing obstacles but in English.   “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.  I love you.” Just start silently chanting these 4 statements and see what unfolds. Do it while you are holding yoga poses.   Don’t worry about how or why, just keep chanting.

Namaste,

Dean

Total Hip Replacement

Here I am, almost four weeks after having my right hip replaced.   Feeling a little guilty that I accepted the miracle of surgery and didn't find a way to fix it without cutting more of body off and replacing it.

One day, weeks before the surgery, as I was hobbling around a corner grocery store, I noticed a young man following me around and thought he either needed money or he had daddy issues.   He finally came up to me and said he could heal me and reached out his hand.   I thought we had just had an introduction and he was next going to tell me he was a body worker of some sort.

Nope, he grabbed my hand, wouldn't let go, and started to raise his voice to Jesus to heal me.   It is a very small grocery store and we were blocking the aisle.   There was a part of me that wanted him to be able to heal me.  He stopped for a moment and asked me if I was healed and I  told him no but I felt better and thanked him.   Not good enough--he grabbed me with both hands and since our Lord and Savior must have hearing problems began to talk to him louder.   Suddenly I felt hands on my shoulders.   I turned and looked behind me and a very large, muscular, filthy, shirtless, shoeless man, whose body odor was almost overpowered by the smell of alcohol on him, had joined in the effort.

Obviously not having the faith of a mustard seed, I silently offered my own prayer to hear the announcement, "Clean up crazies in aisle 2."

Inspired by each other and now competing for Jesus' attention, my healers voices grew in volume and range.   I waited for a small break removed their hands, said thank you, and limped as fast as I could to the cash register.   Behind me I could hear the argument started between the store employees and the underdressed gentleman over their inability to sell him anymore alcohol.

I keep wondering what the story would've been like if I had been healed in the grocery store.   Instead, I've gone through successful surgery, been told I'm ahead of the standard recovery, and have had four weeks with time to reflect, rehab, read, and watch too much news---which is another entry.

What happens to people who are miraculously healed without medical intervention?  Are they like Lottery winners--quickly losing their gains and going back to the life they had?

Maybe it wasn't the miracle I wanted but it was the miracle I needed.   I ultimately surrendered to it and am moving forward.

Namaste,

Dean

Time passes.

I'm still here.   I'm still making sense of my heart surgery and now I'm facing a total hip replacement.   I've talked to some people about my experiences flatlining but have basically kept it as a skeleton in my closet to avoid having my ego think I am too special.   Get this.   We all cast off our bodies at some point and all have some kind of experience when we do that.   There is nothing special about it.  

Now if I'd come back with some kind of super power...

So the inflammation in my body after heart surgery seemed to turn on arthritis in my hip and basically ate away all my cartilage there. Adjusting to the pain, I've distorted my posture and messed up my walk.

I was reluctant to accept the surgery because I believe that given enough time, my body could heal.   Time is the question.   I've elected to get my hip fixed now in order to move forward, straighten out my body, and get mobile again.  

The cool thing is that throughout the deterioration of my hip joint I've had to rethink my yoga, my body image, and who I will become.   Now I get to be a beginner again and start that process all over.   I've been given the gift of the "do over".  

Remember when you first discovered yoga and how damn good it felt?   I get to do that again.


Namaste,


Dean

The gift of not knowing

So I step on the mat and sometimes off not knowing if I'm doing the right thing.   Instead of just diving in, I have to take the time to question what is going on with my body, assessing what I did yesterday, and what is happening today.   Then having all that processed with my fluctuating mind and hopefully I come back to the breath---my guide---moving and flowing with change.  Giving thanks that I recognize I don't know what to do and asking help to step back and get out of the way so I can be taught.

I did three weeks strong with my food and then the last week grew tired of it and ate some things not on the plan.   Woke up this morning thinking and wondering where that disciplined energy goes.  I know there are people who say that we have limits to our willpower but I also know that we build habits good and bad and once it is a habit it takes no willpower.   

I know all week that I was hyper-aware of conflicting nutritional information and I seemed to be questioning what I was doing and talking about it to the people around me.   Looking back I was afraid to submit to what I know works for me.  I need to be willing to not know the complete answer and just follow the best I can.   It is okay for me to question what I'm doing but I need to let the questions fly, keep going, and let it work.  I need to remember the reasons I'm eating this way---to make it easier on my heart!

I had a gift last night.   A relative told me they were doing yoga and what they found different about it  was that they didn't think about work or problems during that hour.   They were also doing Zumba and Spin but yoga was the only class they didn't think about work.   Yoga Chitta Vitti Nirodha!

Change

My current definition of yoga is "Everything changes, get over it."    Getting over it and accepting the changes in my body, my mind, my breath, my pain, my bliss, even what I think I know about yoga is my new normal.   That is where calming the fluctuations of the mind comes in--Chitta Vritti Narodha--Yoga Sutra 1:2.

"When are you going to get better?"   Someone asked me that.   It jolted me and made me question everything I was doing that showed this person I wasn't better.   I was completely put on the defensive.  I answered that I was improving slower than I liked but I was improving.  I then tried to walk away as normally as possible--not my new normal but some approximation of what I thought  I used to walk like.

Then I realized I'm asking myself the same question all the time.   I've fallen into the trap of using  every yoga practice as a reminder that I'm not well yet.  I have to walk my talk and learn to practice without frustration and judgment.

My self-judgment keeps me locked in my pain patterns and fighting against them.   If I  stay with my body, watching and accepting it as the good friend it is, I know I have the chance to influence the direction of change toward healing.

Frozen Hip Yoga Practice

Right now my daily yoga practice comes from Lucas Rockwood's Ebook, THE YOGABODY HANDBOOK.  The book includes a 5 day program of gravity poses.   You hit the hamstrings on day 1, hips on day 2, day 3 is shoulders, day 4 is back, and day 5 is wrists, twists, and ankles.  Each day consists of about 3 asanas.   He also has a lot of nutritional advice.

To do his practice, with my frozen hip and screwed up legs, I have to pretty severely modify several of the poses. One of the keys to his system is holding each pose for 4 minutes and inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth--that I can do without modification.   I've done the sequence for 2 weeks now and am starting to feel and see some improvement.

To connect with Lucas go to http://www.yogabody.com/lucas-rockwood/.

You could probably
design your own sequence by looking up gravity poses and hanging out for 4 minutes with each one.

Namaste,


Dean

Post Heart Surgery--a year later and a frozen hip

  Over a year later after all the drama of the previous year, I am still here in this body on this earth learning a whole bunch of lessons I would rather not learn the hard way.

Last summer my right hip froze up, both thighs continuously locked up and my knees and ankles were swollen with edema.   Lots of specialists and tests--tested three times for Lupus--but no definitive diagnosis.

It was suggested that I had Frozen Hip and arthritis in my knees that seemed to have flared up.   Another doctor thought I might have FAI Syndrome but couldn't confirm it without an MRI.   I can't have an MRI because I have a pacemaker.  Another doctor suggested it was venous insufficiency which caused the edema and then things basically just got backed up.

I was prescribed a couple of drugs and physical therapy.   I also tried everything I could think of---my yoga practice to begin with, supplemented with Feldenkrais, Acupuncture, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Spiritual Healing, hydrotherapy, and I worked with a Health Coach.  The positive results were frustratingly slow and sometimes it seemed like I was going backward instead of forward. The prognosis for frozen hip whether you do anything for it or not is that it can take up to 19 months for it to resolve.

Things were complicated by my heart doing some weird stuff which meant more tests without a concrete diagnosis. I stopped teaching for a month, my son Luke took over for me, and then I came back to classes---at first with a cane. At the present I still have pretty severe limitations with what I can demonstrate.    I've gotten better at verbal cuing!

Some of what I've learned in the next post...

Aortic Valve Replacement Surgery

A lot has happened to me since I last wrote.   I'll be writing about it in pieces.   To start, I have to come clean and say that I've had a long time problem with my heart---I'm in my early 60's and was probably first diagnosed when I was 18.

It finally came to the point that my Cardiologist and the Cardiac Surgeon said the time had come and I needed to replace my aortic valve.   So on October 14th, 2014 I had open heart surgery.   It seems my heart didn't like getting carved up.  They told me I had an "angry heart" and after surgery I went into Third Degree Heart Block which ended up with me receiving a pacemaker.   Then I got a blood clot in my arm from that surgery.   To put it mildly, recovery has been way slower than I anticipated or wanted.

To say that this has impacted and changed my physical yoga practice is almost silly.   Everything is new and different.  The aortic valve surgery was open-heart and required breaking my sternum.   I'm just now, almost 3 months later, getting to the point that my sternum is considered healed enough to do some gentle poses.

So what has my yoga practice been?  Like Arjuna in the Gita, I learned concretely that the essence of Yoga is that shit happens and how you deal with it is the practice.  My practice has been meditation, awareness, a whole lot of acceptance and learning to breathe all over again.

Finding my new normal is my path and my heart is my guru.

All the heart metaphors and references in yoga have taken on new meaning as I work through the intersection of the physical and the symbolic.

The love and support I received from family and friends has been overwhelming and moved me to tears repeatedly.

More to come.

Namaste,

Dean

Eating less than you can in the evening

We all have heard the belief about weight loss that you just need to eat less and move more.  Things get complicated when you try to put that into practice.   Our approach is going to be unique to us.

People who have trained with me and been part of my Yoga and Weight Loss Group know that I'm constantly suggesting simple things that allow us to sneak up on the problem.   Therefore instead of making huge changes all at once I ask them to think about simply eating "less than you can."

For example, we know we could eat the whole pizza (or cake, loaf of bread...) but what if we took a breath (probably 3 is better) and ate less than we can.   It isn't easy but it allows us to become aware of what we are eating and what choices are in front of us.  We could choose to eat less.

Currently I'm practicing not eating after dinner.   I was recording my food for a week and noticed that a significant amount of my calories were being eaten in the evening.   Obviously I need to eat less than I can in the evening and know that when I've been in an active weight loss period, not eating after my evening meal has been one of the things that has worked for me.

Keeping it simple, I'm stopping eating after my evening meal.   I'm doing it 3 days at a time and then will work up to 3 weeks and then 3 months.   3 seems to be a magic number for my brain.  If I tell myself it is only 3 days, it is much less overwhelming.

Small change---done with awareness and acceptance.   I felt a shift in even the first 3 days.

Namaste,

Dean

Hell-Bent

I just finished reading HELL-BENT:  OBSESSION, PAIN, AND THE SEARCH FOR SOMETHING LIKE TRANSCENDENCE IN COMPETITIVE YOGA.

I loved it.  Read it.   Benjamin Lorr can write and he can write about yoga and yogi's.   His insights into the process of power and teachers and people surrendering power to teachers is the best description ever since Stephen Cope's YOGA AND THE QUEST FOR THE TRUE SELF.

He also nails the thrill of yoga obsession and all the pitfalls.    The world he writes about is the Bikram world but everyone who does yoga can relate.

The descriptions of the teacher training will leave you questioning every time you've let yourself be humiliated and even marginally abused.   Hazing is illegal for a reason.

He asks the question does yoga heal?   Through all the misguidance and crap the answer is still yes.

Namaste,

Dean

Betrayal and the Body

The body betrays us.   I see it happen all the time--people doing the best they can with diet, exercise, meditation and still the body seems to have a process of its own.  If you believe that the mind rules the body, then you feel the frustration that unconscious factors are completely running the show.

Even if you intellectually grasp that you aren't your body, that it is a neutral vehicle, and some day you will end this dream and lay this body down, you still feel betrayed.

That feeling of betrayal leads to a continuous loop of more anger at the body--more criticism, more judgement, more anger, more mistrust.

What is a conscious mind supposed to do?

Apologize.   Apologize to your body for the times you've abused it, not exercised it, not feed it well, not let it sleep, and especially how often you criticized it.

In my work with clients the universal response to looking in a mirror is to criticize what they see.  Common sense would dictate that if your body was your best friend, they would've dumped you years ago.   Maybe our bodies are so used to being criticized they just don't listen to us anymore.  

It is time to change your relationship.

Start by apologizing.  

Namaste,


Dean

Losing weight as a practice

"I don't stop eating when I'm full.   The meal isn't over when I'm full.   It's over when I hate myself."

Louis C.K.

  

The Yoga Sutras are full of direct and implied commands that the yoga process is that…it is a process.   The only thing we really do in yoga is practice again and again.   We don't really practice to get it right because we are different every time we get on the mat.  We just keep moving through it. 

Don’t you love it when your kids are gurus?  I have a son who is now a piano professor and a performer.   We never had to make him practice the piano.  He loves to practice.   He sometimes drove us crazy with his practicing.   

He has taught me that practice is its own thing.   It is its own reward.   Surrendering to the process is what works.   Of course he practices to make it perfect---he has a goal in mind but he knows he will never reach perfection and he is cool with that.   He loves the process of moving toward it.  

Think about letting go of the goal.   The practice is the goal.   Just process.  

Using yoga as our vehicle, our metaphor---off the mat, we also practice eating better and less than we can not concerned with the outcome.   We know our bodies will change.   We know that we can trust the process.   If we eat less, move more, breathe and release our stress---we will let go of our excess weight.

Let's surrender to it and love the process we are in.   How fulfilling would that be?

Maybe we can even try on a little gratitude for having weight as an issue in this lifetime.   It is so direct. It is right in front of us.   So in our face!

I trust the process of life and I am safe.

Namaste!

Dean

Eating less than you can when you want to eat more!

I have this a helpful belief that our past is not our future.  

Affirm right now that you are willing to forgive your past eating behaviors and let them go.  You move forward choosing loving, life affirming, eating habits.

Now honestly we know that old habits are hard to let go of.   If I have the habit of eating too many pistachios when it is a rainy crappy weekend like last weekend, I have to find a way to sneak up on myself and think of a new way to under eat pistachios.   

Now, I believe in gateway foods.    I have them and I bet you have them too.   Those are the foods that contaminate my intention to eat less than I can!   It seems that once I give myself permission to eat them, I’ve opened the door, and it takes a divine act to get me to stop from repeating that behavior.   I wonder how quickly I can accept that Divine help!  Instead, I start with guilt, beat myself up awhile, then I reason, I give in, I start over----blah, blah, blah.  My latest thing is I tell myself my body is craving this for a reason that it must need something that pistachios provide.   Really?   Pretty creative.

I wonder what it would feel like to not have a habit of overeating pistachios or any other gateway food?

I’ve found that I have to treat certain foods differently (I stay away from those foods and tell my brain and body, it is just for awhile so I can get myself on track and in touch with what my body really needs---it likes that need thing.)  It allows me to delay my overeating behavior and gives me more choices.   My brain also goes happy crazy with more choices!  

Let’s talk about successful people who have lost weight and kept it off---one of the number one things that they have in common is that they don’t diet.   I find that so irritating somehow but the research is pretty solid.   Even if what they are eating I would call a diet, they call it healthy lifelong eating habits that include eating less and moving more. 

They no longer see themselves as people with an eating problem or a habit of overeating.   They aren’t trying to fix anything, especially with a diet, they are simply moving forward toward a healthier body.

What do they do when they want to eat or drink something they know they shouldn’t?   Well, everyone has their own strategy but a commonality is that they already have a plan in place for avoiding traps and then a plan for getting back on track if they blow it.   They simply think about it and plan ahead.  You know that planning is important because when you get a plan, your mind goes to work to implement it.   Your mind wants you to be successful and now it has the task of finding a way to make you successful.    When we plan to succeed, something inside us wants to lead us and get us to our goal. 

So we can ask ourselves how do we best handle a situation where we want to make a healthy food choice?   I wonder how powerful and successful we will feel when we have a plan to take back the power certain foods have over us.     I wonder how quickly we can learn that saying “yes” to our health and  “no” to certain foods shows our bodies that we truly love and care for them?

Breathe, meditate, do your yoga practice, eat less than you can and love yourself.

Namaste,

Dean

The Scale

So our group, Yoga and Weight Loss, starts this coming Tuesday!  What do we do about the scale?  Remember that we aren't doing weekly group weigh-ins.

We all know the problems with the scale---good days when you are losing and not-so-good when you aren't.  The worse thing is that you can be losing and the last thing to notice is the scale!   You and your clothes notice it.   Your friends and family notice it.   Yet, the damn scale shows a weight gain of .5 ounces!  Maddening to say the least.

Eventually the scale catches up to what is going on but the time lag can be a killer.

We have the option to just put the scale aside for awhile, focus on our yoga practice, meditation (short),  eating "less than we can", and trusting the process.

We will lose weight.

Namaste,

Dean

The "D" Word!

In our four week long Yoga and Weight Loss Group Training we aren't even going to mention the word "diet."   You pick your food plan.   We will reinforce each other that continuity is the key and that means going heavy on planning.  We will plan to succeed!

However, we are going to diet in one area.   We are going to go on a "guilt free diet."   I will be suggesting that if eating something makes you feel guilty that you stop eating it for four weeks.   We feel critical about ourselves way too much.   If we can observe and avoid the cycle of guilt and shame over specific foods for even four weeks we will give ourselves the space to make conscious, better choices and ultimately go easier on ourselves.   

If we don't meet our expectations and feel guilty we're going to breathe in and out and let that crap go.   It is just weighing us down.   We're practicing forgiving ourselves.   We will start by forgiving ourselves for gaining the weight we are now losing.

Namaste,

Dean

Yoga Weight Loss Group Training

Dean’s Yoga Weight Loss Group Training

Meets Tuesday and Thursday at 6:45 for 4weeks at the WRAC in Wenatchee, WA 98801

Starting Date: September 17- October 10, 2013

Cost: $79 for the entire session, $20 drop-in

Where:  Gym and Studio

What I know:

Research shows that a regular yoga practice along with a healthy food plan can help achieve weight loss and weight maintenance.   I also know that the commitment to weight loss becomes easier in a supportive community.

You bring:

1.     A compelling reason to lose weight

2.     An openness to follow the program for 4weeks

3.     A desire to be part of a community of like-minded supportive people

What I provide:

1.     A twice-weekly group yoga practice including specific asana (postures) and pranayama (breathing exercises) with a Savasana Meditation focusing on improving your body image and achieving your weight loss goals.

2.     A simple yoga practice you do daily at home.

3.     Guidance for a short meditation practice at home.

What you’ll do:

1.     A fun yoga practice in a group twice a week and an easy, quick practice daily at home.

2.     Pick your own healthy food plan and commit to following it with awareness.

3.     Plan your meals and snacks.

4.     A short daily meditation.

5.     Breathe!

6.     Establish some simple lifestyle habits that increase weight loss and maintenance.

More on Yoga and Weight Loss

Why do some people seem to make the decision to lose weight and just do it while other people spend their life wanting to lose weight and can't get it done?   Then there are all those people somewhere in between losing some weight, gaining back, and starting over.  

Some obesity researchers say that 77 percent of Americans are trying to lose weight or avoid gaining weight yet nearly 70 percent of Americans are overweight or obese.  Discouraging and time for a deep, deep breath.   May they all be happy, may they all be well, may they all find peace.

I see and deal with so many people, including myself, who set their intention to eat healthy today and then by evening are devouring a box of cereal.   Is it true that we just have limits to our will power and it is shot by the end of the day?   However, some people can eat healthy throughout the day so it is possible.

If we look at 12 Step programs and people successful in limiting consumption, we have to admit that we can't do it alone and need a Higher Power.  We need the help of the nonjudgemental, never wavering, observer of our experience within us to help us make the decision.

Yoga, with all its craziness, is my path to my Higher Power.  For me it is through yoga that I fully enter into a spiritual relationship with my body. Yoga asks me to breathe into my body and simply observe.   Taking this moment of observation into the rest of my day is the challenge and real joy of my practice.   The more I stay with it, staying conscious of my breath, the more "will power" I seem to have and the joy of doing what is right for me. 

Making the decision to stay with MY body--through my yoga practice, with my breath, with my food choices, with my Higher Power, is both my goal and the process.

Namaste,

Dean