Time passes.

I'm still here.   I'm still making sense of my heart surgery and now I'm facing a total hip replacement.   I've talked to some people about my experiences flatlining but have basically kept it as a skeleton in my closet to avoid having my ego think I am too special.   Get this.   We all cast off our bodies at some point and all have some kind of experience when we do that.   There is nothing special about it.  

Now if I'd come back with some kind of super power...

So the inflammation in my body after heart surgery seemed to turn on arthritis in my hip and basically ate away all my cartilage there. Adjusting to the pain, I've distorted my posture and messed up my walk.

I was reluctant to accept the surgery because I believe that given enough time, my body could heal.   Time is the question.   I've elected to get my hip fixed now in order to move forward, straighten out my body, and get mobile again.  

The cool thing is that throughout the deterioration of my hip joint I've had to rethink my yoga, my body image, and who I will become.   Now I get to be a beginner again and start that process all over.   I've been given the gift of the "do over".  

Remember when you first discovered yoga and how damn good it felt?   I get to do that again.


Namaste,


Dean

Change

My current definition of yoga is "Everything changes, get over it."    Getting over it and accepting the changes in my body, my mind, my breath, my pain, my bliss, even what I think I know about yoga is my new normal.   That is where calming the fluctuations of the mind comes in--Chitta Vritti Narodha--Yoga Sutra 1:2.

"When are you going to get better?"   Someone asked me that.   It jolted me and made me question everything I was doing that showed this person I wasn't better.   I was completely put on the defensive.  I answered that I was improving slower than I liked but I was improving.  I then tried to walk away as normally as possible--not my new normal but some approximation of what I thought  I used to walk like.

Then I realized I'm asking myself the same question all the time.   I've fallen into the trap of using  every yoga practice as a reminder that I'm not well yet.  I have to walk my talk and learn to practice without frustration and judgment.

My self-judgment keeps me locked in my pain patterns and fighting against them.   If I  stay with my body, watching and accepting it as the good friend it is, I know I have the chance to influence the direction of change toward healing.

Post Heart Surgery--a year later and a frozen hip

  Over a year later after all the drama of the previous year, I am still here in this body on this earth learning a whole bunch of lessons I would rather not learn the hard way.

Last summer my right hip froze up, both thighs continuously locked up and my knees and ankles were swollen with edema.   Lots of specialists and tests--tested three times for Lupus--but no definitive diagnosis.

It was suggested that I had Frozen Hip and arthritis in my knees that seemed to have flared up.   Another doctor thought I might have FAI Syndrome but couldn't confirm it without an MRI.   I can't have an MRI because I have a pacemaker.  Another doctor suggested it was venous insufficiency which caused the edema and then things basically just got backed up.

I was prescribed a couple of drugs and physical therapy.   I also tried everything I could think of---my yoga practice to begin with, supplemented with Feldenkrais, Acupuncture, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Spiritual Healing, hydrotherapy, and I worked with a Health Coach.  The positive results were frustratingly slow and sometimes it seemed like I was going backward instead of forward. The prognosis for frozen hip whether you do anything for it or not is that it can take up to 19 months for it to resolve.

Things were complicated by my heart doing some weird stuff which meant more tests without a concrete diagnosis. I stopped teaching for a month, my son Luke took over for me, and then I came back to classes---at first with a cane. At the present I still have pretty severe limitations with what I can demonstrate.    I've gotten better at verbal cuing!

Some of what I've learned in the next post...

More on Yoga and Weight Loss

Why do some people seem to make the decision to lose weight and just do it while other people spend their life wanting to lose weight and can't get it done?   Then there are all those people somewhere in between losing some weight, gaining back, and starting over.  

Some obesity researchers say that 77 percent of Americans are trying to lose weight or avoid gaining weight yet nearly 70 percent of Americans are overweight or obese.  Discouraging and time for a deep, deep breath.   May they all be happy, may they all be well, may they all find peace.

I see and deal with so many people, including myself, who set their intention to eat healthy today and then by evening are devouring a box of cereal.   Is it true that we just have limits to our will power and it is shot by the end of the day?   However, some people can eat healthy throughout the day so it is possible.

If we look at 12 Step programs and people successful in limiting consumption, we have to admit that we can't do it alone and need a Higher Power.  We need the help of the nonjudgemental, never wavering, observer of our experience within us to help us make the decision.

Yoga, with all its craziness, is my path to my Higher Power.  For me it is through yoga that I fully enter into a spiritual relationship with my body. Yoga asks me to breathe into my body and simply observe.   Taking this moment of observation into the rest of my day is the challenge and real joy of my practice.   The more I stay with it, staying conscious of my breath, the more "will power" I seem to have and the joy of doing what is right for me. 

Making the decision to stay with MY body--through my yoga practice, with my breath, with my food choices, with my Higher Power, is both my goal and the process.

Namaste,

Dean

Yoga and criticism

Okay this is weird, I'm being critical of critics! Something wrong with that.

I was talking with my best friend and training partner about how criticism is such a part of gym culture. It seems to be the way that people, especially guys, show intimacy.

If you are around me, you know I subscribe to the helpful belief that people are usually doing the best they can with the knowledge and awareness that they have at the moment. Thank you Louise Hay. I also ascribe to the belief that in asana, there is no such thing as a perfect pose. Thank you Bryan Kest.

I try not to leave room in my yoga practice and classes for criticism. Work hard, stay focused on your breath, and do the best you can. If you are in a class that makes you feel bad or increases your self-criticism, get out. Never let yoga be an opportunity to reinforce your ability to criticize yourself. Trust me, you've got that skill down and it doesn't need further practice. How about using your practice to flood love and approval to every part of your body. Everyone needs love and and approval, why not give it to yourself?

So the same day we were talking about gym culture and criticism, I had an instructor point out with critical surprise that I couldn't do Gomukhasana fully and I was a yoga teacher. There are many poses I can't do and the list is probably longer than the ones I can do. I tell people that if I could already do this stuff I wouldn't need to practice.

The same day I ran into a guy whose girlfriend went to my class and loved it BUT couldn't believe that I talked all the way through the class. This was the compliment with criticism topping. I told myself to accept the compliment. By the way, I do talk a lot.

Please catch yourself criticizing yourself and stop. Catch yourself criticizing someone else and stop that too. I don't think we have to worry about not having enough criticism in the world around us. Increasing the love and approval that is out there is worth it.

Namaste,

Dean

Is it working?

Maybe it is enough to just remind ourselves that no matter however we perform these 5,000 year-old poses they work.

Sometimes I think I haven't progressed at all. I have a lot of the same old obstacles in my practice and my life. My inner dialog usually runs something like this: "You know nothing. How could you possibly teach? Your hips are tighter than ever. You sweat too much. You aren't breathing correctly. Stop enjoying this. Why aren't you enjoying this? Your life is a mess. Look in the mirror. Stop looking in the mirror."

For me the self-criticizing inner voice is where the struggle really is and thank God for the mat. Right there, on the floor, I'm confronted by my ever present fearful and critical self. That voice is unforgiving, never satisfied, and a task master. It is voice of the ego. I know that no matter what pose I'm in, my task is to be aware of that voice and accept it for what it is. I am not that voice. I can't fight it, I can only breathe into it and allow it to slowly quiet down.

The incredible thing about yoga is that no matter how we approach it, it works. What ever position we are in, we're going to come right up against our egos, who think they are running the show and our bodies. The wonderful thing is that there is something else in us that is loving, accepting, and on our side. As we quiet the ego, there it is, just a breath away.

Namaste,

Dean