The gift of not knowing

So I step on the mat and sometimes off not knowing if I'm doing the right thing.   Instead of just diving in, I have to take the time to question what is going on with my body, assessing what I did yesterday, and what is happening today.   Then having all that processed with my fluctuating mind and hopefully I come back to the breath---my guide---moving and flowing with change.  Giving thanks that I recognize I don't know what to do and asking help to step back and get out of the way so I can be taught.

I did three weeks strong with my food and then the last week grew tired of it and ate some things not on the plan.   Woke up this morning thinking and wondering where that disciplined energy goes.  I know there are people who say that we have limits to our willpower but I also know that we build habits good and bad and once it is a habit it takes no willpower.   

I know all week that I was hyper-aware of conflicting nutritional information and I seemed to be questioning what I was doing and talking about it to the people around me.   Looking back I was afraid to submit to what I know works for me.  I need to be willing to not know the complete answer and just follow the best I can.   It is okay for me to question what I'm doing but I need to let the questions fly, keep going, and let it work.  I need to remember the reasons I'm eating this way---to make it easier on my heart!

I had a gift last night.   A relative told me they were doing yoga and what they found different about it  was that they didn't think about work or problems during that hour.   They were also doing Zumba and Spin but yoga was the only class they didn't think about work.   Yoga Chitta Vitti Nirodha!

Aortic Valve Replacement Surgery

A lot has happened to me since I last wrote.   I'll be writing about it in pieces.   To start, I have to come clean and say that I've had a long time problem with my heart---I'm in my early 60's and was probably first diagnosed when I was 18.

It finally came to the point that my Cardiologist and the Cardiac Surgeon said the time had come and I needed to replace my aortic valve.   So on October 14th, 2014 I had open heart surgery.   It seems my heart didn't like getting carved up.  They told me I had an "angry heart" and after surgery I went into Third Degree Heart Block which ended up with me receiving a pacemaker.   Then I got a blood clot in my arm from that surgery.   To put it mildly, recovery has been way slower than I anticipated or wanted.

To say that this has impacted and changed my physical yoga practice is almost silly.   Everything is new and different.  The aortic valve surgery was open-heart and required breaking my sternum.   I'm just now, almost 3 months later, getting to the point that my sternum is considered healed enough to do some gentle poses.

So what has my yoga practice been?  Like Arjuna in the Gita, I learned concretely that the essence of Yoga is that shit happens and how you deal with it is the practice.  My practice has been meditation, awareness, a whole lot of acceptance and learning to breathe all over again.

Finding my new normal is my path and my heart is my guru.

All the heart metaphors and references in yoga have taken on new meaning as I work through the intersection of the physical and the symbolic.

The love and support I received from family and friends has been overwhelming and moved me to tears repeatedly.

More to come.

Namaste,

Dean